Feeling Abandoned

Dumped and Feeling Abandoned

In a previous post I mentioned two types of folks who have the most difficulty getting through divorce.

Man fishing

The first type is mothers (and sometimes fathers) facing the empty nest. The second, which is the subject of this article, is folks who did not have the parental guidance and other resources they needed as children to become happy, secure adults and go through a divorce from a child-like, helpless position. Perhaps their caregiver experienced a major life event that took them out of […]

By |October 7th, 2014|Categories: Divorce, Divorce Help, Divorce Recovery, Fear, Grief, Loss, Surviving Divorce|2 Comments

Divorce and the Empty Nest

Divorce is hard, yes?

Ask anyone who has been through it. It’s harder for some than others. I have observed divorce being most difficult for people in two specific life circumstances. One is the empty nest.

empty nest

The Empty Nest

The feelings of abandonment and utter uselessness are exasperated when divorce and empty nest happen at the same time. It can be especially difficult if you were a stay-at-home parent who dedicated your life to rearing the children—one day your life was filled with purpose, and then it wasn’t. I’ve heard this referred […]

By |September 9th, 2014|Categories: After Divorce, Alone Again, Fear, Kids and Divorce, Loss, Parenting, Purpose, Second Time Around|3 Comments

Making Things Better for Mork

Inspired by Robin Williams

I was running errands recently in the hustle and bustle of urban life. It all seemed so helter skelter, unorganized, chaotic. A thought came to me: I wonder what we can do to make life more hospitable. Big word. Unusual word. Don’t know that I’ve used it much at all, and yet, there it was.  How do we make things better?

Mork and Mindy House

I went into the bank. The teller shared her story of having been bitten […]

By |August 19th, 2014|Categories: Learning from the Journey, Loss, Ponderings|0 Comments

The Flood

As usual, I seek the symbolism or metaphor in such an event. I imagine those of you who are divorcing can relate deeply to being caught in a current that has a life of its own, leaving a wake of destruction. A life rearranged after its passing. Piles of debris to sort through for anything of value, upon which you can place some sentiment to help you feel grounded. A world washed away, and with it some stamina for dreaming of a future reality that makes some sense. For a while you just have to do the sorting, and feel all the emotions that comes with such chaos. After that rite of passage something more tangible begins to take form.

Let Grief Change You

I've known Steve Gilbert for over 30 years. He's stood by my side through most of my life's struggles, always being about 5 years ahead of me... just enough to be my mentor and guide. I've been able to be his strength and guide on occasion also. Our friendship is a rare gift. As we've made our way through life's challenges we've each grown in amazing ways. Steve has become a powerful teacher and spiritual leader. I've always been in awe at his beautiful writing. This article is no different. Every divorced person has experienced tremendous grief. I've often spoken about the opportunity that divorce can be—to make us kinder, gentler, wiser people. This article speaks to the wisdom of grief. Here is an excerpt: "We think grief shuts us down, but that’s because of what we do to cope with it – we numb ourselves to it. But this is exactly why we feel shut down by our grief. The truth is that our grief is calling us into fuller life. Our grief is asking us to feel and to know ourselves. When we think that we can’t tolerate it, we shut it down and then we blame the grief. But grief is not the problem. Our grief is actually asking us to be real. “There is wisdom in grief. It’s the wisdom of our own soul. It is how we are designed. We are designed to feel, but we are always fighting our own nature. So that when I have a big loss, and my feelings start to come up, if I am not familiar with, or I’m uncomfortable with the experience of feeling these things, it is going to be really hard to trust that by feeling I will heal."

By |August 6th, 2013|Categories: Emotions, Grief, Loss|Tags: , , , , , , , |0 Comments

Are We Broken?

I have such respect for the people I work with. They are right up against it. "It" being, “Should I go, or should I stay?” Or, “I’m on my own, now what?” Or, “How the ‘H’ am I ever going to get through this?” Or, “I am so overwhelmed I have no idea where to begin.” Not willing to give up, not knowing how to go forward, wanting it over NOW. Even with their dreams shattered they move forward. They are my heroes. Are you one of my heroes? I don’t think anything brings us to the core of ourselves—the core of what works and what doesn’t—quite like our relationships. Trying to mesh two lives together as one, or trying to separate two lives without destroying the people involved, takes tremendous skill—skills we weren’t taught in school, and only if we were very fortunate were we taught by example. Most of us flounder while scrambling to figure it out.

Want to Divorce? Wait til January

Divorce is hard at any time. Particularly difficult during the holidays. My former spouse told me he wanted to divorce on Thanksgiving Day and wanted to tell the kids at Christmas when they all came home. I just couldn't do that to them. What a way to ruin Christmas forever for our children. What it meant though is that I carried the emotional load through the holidays of knowing our marriage was ending, and I carried it alone. He didn't care and no one else knew. No one knew why my eyes filled with tears when the grandkids did something cute. I was fully aware it would be the last year for Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Memories are for Sharing

I'm several years out of my divorce and many more years out of my marital home and it's just starting to hit me. I'm sure I preemptively grieved the lost memories. I cried enough to have grieved everything that could possibly come up... but here it is again. This time for the lost memories.