A Healing Separation May Save Your Marriage
Have you had any of these thoughts recently?
- We’re miserable and I can’t imagine staying this way for another week, another month, and certainly not another year.
- I just don’t know if I can do this any more.
- Is it worth the effort to stick it out?
- Can it really get better?
- What if I need to get away and think about things for a while?
A healing separation can work wonders if you just can’t stand it any longer. Maybe you’ve asked, or even demanded that your partner stop hurting you, show up, protect you or change in some other way and it is just falling on deaf ears. Change takes a long time even if you’re both willing. Most important, you need time apart to quit being hurt in the same ways over and over.
Leave or Stay?
It’s a myth that you must stay and “fight” for your marriage. Sometimes that is appropriate and necessary but if you’ve reached wit’s end and are on the verge of calling it quits, you need to get away. Time apart will allow your nervous system to relax so you can see things more clearly. Staying in the same space and being hurt in the same ways will just confirm to you that nothing will ever change. I encourage you to take a healing break before you really call it quits. Ending a marriage, especially if you have children, is a huge decision not to be taken lightly. You’ll be glad you considered all options.
To make your time apart a truly healing experience you need some structure.
- How much time will you spend together?
- How will you handle kid stuff? finances? housing? pets?
- When do you want to re-evaluate?
- Are dating-type relationships allowed?
- And most importantly, how will you use the time to grow and change?
Living apart for a time DOES NOT MEAN it is the beginning of the end of your marriage. In fact, it may be the one thing that saves it. Marriages end because they get too tight. People grow and change and if the relationship can’t grow and change with them, sometimes because there is resistant to change on the part of one or both of you, without some breathing room the relationship may break needlessly. Creating space can provide the necessary room for this growing and expanding to take place.
Healing Separation Agreement
I have created a very thorough Healing Separation Agreement that will help you design a separation time that allows you to relax. It covers most everything to eliminate gray areas that can cause needless conflict and confusion. Note:. If you want something to file with the court please consult an attorney who can help you with a Legal Separation Agreement. I can recommend several Colorado-based attorneys who are non-conflictual and very helpful. If you’re out of Colorado I suggest you check with your local Bar Association.
I can help you design your healing separation and facilitate important discussions between the two of you in order to make your time of separation go well. Call me and let’s set it up!
You may also want to consider a Relationship Assessment to pinpoint trouble spots and identify your strengths. Learn more here.