I was gleeful as a child. I remember it well. I spent a lot of time in the great outdoors of the Colorado mountains. I was content to play for hours, communing with my best friend, Mother Nature. For many years my only care was keeping track of dinner time.
I was also trusting. May parents called it naive. When I was told something I trusted it as a solemn promise, after all, if I made such a promise that’s what it would be to me—a solemn promise. I counted on it. Over and over I counted on it. I planned my life and expectations around what I was told. (I guess that’s the naive part.) Some promises were kept. Many were not. I remember the unkept ones the most. Those became life-changers.
A Glee Reset
I recently returned from 10 days in the Utah dessert for a much needed sabbatical. These are annual events for me—an important reset. May usual day-to-day, especially after a long winter of not a lot of outdoor time, creates the perfect environment for the ego/the critic, to run amok. Insert some space. Regain peace, and yes, even glee.
Each of my sabbaticals end up having a theme. I don’t set them up that way, they just evolve on their own. This one has been to rewire my brain. I have been in the “Workshop of Jeannine” overwriting my old software. In the process I’ve been confronted with a deeply hidden belief based on childhood: “It isn’t safe to trust.” Somewhere along the line, out of protection I’m sure, I quit trusting. I became self-sufficient and self-reliant, muscling through most anything on my own. As I’m sure you’ve discovered yourself, that Lone Ranger gig only goes so far before it drops you like a stone over a cliff.
In overwriting that old software I had to look trust square in the eye. It wasn’t as scary as I’d remembered. As children we are at the whim of the adults around us. Children don’t have the skills to discern between naivety and trust—but adults do. Now that I am in charge the boogie man doesn’t seem so scary. Today trust is a choice.
I have often felt like I was walking around with a plug looking for a socket. “Where do I plug this thing in to get the support I need, the wisdom I need, the insights, the courage?” I tried different “sockets” but each one was a disappointment. There was no juice. Then I discovered that I AM the socket. That Divine Spark in me, THAT’S the plug. Who knew? My wisdom resides deep within…I just have to get quiet enough to access it. My sabbatical journeys allow for that. Once I have a felt sense I can more easily access it when I’m back in my daily life.
A sizable part of overwriting my old software has been choosing what I want to plug into as opposed to being led by my feelings into old familiar patterns. In this moment I am choosing to plug into sheer glee. It is safe to do so because I said so! Living and choosing this way is proving to be quite the adventure.