I’m looking at life in new ways. How refreshing. After spending a few decades thinking ‘I know’ and being drug through reality’s mud while holding on to the tail of that beast, I have landed squarely in the question, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” So many times the things I interpret as bad turn out to be just right. There is really no way to know until it all plays out.
The question recently came back to me in the blunt ending of a budding friendship I had hoped would develop. BAD? A little sadness, some rejection, definitely regret over an opportunity missed. And yet, as I’ve completed the grieving that comes with any loss I’ve discovered the gift. The gift is always that I come home to myself in a greater way. That sure seems good.
Loss – Rejection or Completion?
I’m not very good at staying with things uncomfortable. I mostly want them to go away. Fortunately or not, I do know that the only way out is through….so through the emotions of loss and grieving I went – this time with awareness. On the other side I was able to ask the bigger questions: What’s present, now? What’s trying to happen? What’s next?
Looking from where I am, and who I am, back through the (mostly difficult, it seems) experiences it took to get me here, I no longer embrace that I am a victim to whom life happens (which I lived in, in my view, for far too long). I now see my purpose. GOOD? The Lover of My Soul has put me through my paces, bringing in a wide variety of life experiences, to get me to this particular place on my path. Much like boot camp. BAD? (Often felt like it.) And here I am. All of it has worked together to make me the person I am today. My inner work has been to find my core and live out life from that place. Divorce brought me to that realization. I call it Living Out Loud.
Nothing brings me to the edge of myself like relationship—however short—even this sprout of a relationship has done its work. I’ve seen that this relationship ending [BAD?] hasn’t been about rejection at all, but about completion. It’s been about incorporating parts of my unlived life and parts of myself that were heretofore closed off to me. It’s about taking charge of my life…. thinking for myself, about myself, by myself…and living the life I’m here to live–despite the occasional hijacking. (A hijacking with awareness can be a great trip.)
Relationships are doorways into the unknown. Sometimes the closed doors to particularly vulnerable parts of ourselves can only be opened from the outside. My relationship loss (or maybe it was just a seed that refused the dirt) has caused me to look more deeply into who I am in the midst of everyone else. (Sometimes thinking of myself as unique isn’t all that useful.) Yay for all of it. I’ve found the laughing place. GOOD! No matter how it comes, getting to a larger version of myself is a gift. Odd that it is life’s losses [BAD?] that seem to bring those gifts. But at least they come. GOOD!
I believe that life is always endeavoring to balance itself. Like standing in the middle of a teeter-totter that is sometimes weighted toward bad, sometimes toward good, and yet each dip brings us more resources, in the form of learning and strength, than we had before the ride. The question then becomes what did we learn and what are we going to do with the learning?