Anger

/Anger

Failure of a Collaborative Divorce Case

I just witnessed the failure of a collaborative divorce case for the first time. It is disheartening. They will now be going to court with their own lawyer.

Forgiveness-the bigger picture

When I originally wrote this article I had so much to say that I decided to split it into two. It turned out that there was a perfect line of delineation - between the need to feel the feelings of the betrayal, and what we might actually learn from the perceived betrayal. If you’ve been reading along you know that I am determined to discover the key to forgiveness, which I believe is also the key to happiness. I have a sneaking suspicion that it may even be THE key to a life lived in joy, but I can’t prove it, yet :-). When I remain in the demand that things be fair, that I get my due, or the protest that this ‘shouldn’t’ be, I remain focused and looking for good things to come from a stagnant pool. My eyes are turned away from the Supply that is flowing right next to me. So I guess a big part of what I'm learning is that forgiveness is a change of focus.

Forgiveness – Feel Your Feelings

An important announcement! I've chosen the cover for my soon to be published book. Visit http://www.beyonddivorce.com/book/ to get a peak and read chapter titles! Now for the newsletter: Forgiveness is tough for all of us. It seems there is always at least one person in my life that I want to avoid. Someone who makes me cringe, or makes me angry, whom I have a lot of internal dialogue with and about. Grumble grumble. “If only they would do a-b-c I would be happy, or at least be able to quit thinking about this.” A friend once said to me, “It’s your head, you get to decide who lives there.” You know the saying, It’s easier said than done? That applies. I wouldn’t make a very good bouncer. We teach what we need to learn, yes? I know there is more for me to learn about forgiveness. In fact, I’ve come to believe that forgiveness is our greatest lesson in life and until we get that one, peace will elude us. I’m highly motivated to learn it. My newsletter this time is about a betrayal in my own divorce that I’m still revisiting. It came painfully to mind again after our forgiveness session in the current live divorce class. It’s also the year anniversary of the event. Anniversaries are tricky. I expect I will continue to revisit this until I’ve worked through it completely. I thought some of my conclusions along the way might be useful to you.

Surviving Divorce-Part 2

This is the second part of a three-part article detailing divorce survival tips. After reading the book Deep Survival – Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why, by Lawrence Gonzales I realized that divorce is itself a survival situation. It affects the the brain chemistry is the same ways. It elicits the same reactions. We must use the same approaches to survive. Many traverse divorce and it is not a life or death situation but there are some things inside you that will die on your way to the final divorce decree, usually they are things believe are vital to our well being but really are not. Asking the question, "What is it time for me to let go of?" Will help you learn from your journey. Knowing how to manage your resources will be key to your survival. If I were going to write a similar book about surviving divorce I could call it, Surviving Divorce, Who is Empowered by it, Who is Destroyed by it, and Why. Some folks make it to the other side of divorce happier and healthier. Some don’t. And there are some very specific reasons why. At the end of Gonzales' book he summarizes the survival keys that he discovered as he researched his book. They are so appropriate to divorce that I include them below nearly as he wrote them. Following these principles will not only help you survive divorce, it will help you thrive beyond it. This segment includes tips 5 through 8.

Surviving Divorce-Part 3

This is the final part of a three-part article detailing divorce survival tips. After reading the book Deep Survival – Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why, by Lawrence Gonzales I realized that divorce is itself a survival situation. It affects the the brain chemistry is the same ways. It elicits the same reactions. We must use the same approaches to survive. Many traverse divorce and it is not a life or death situation but there are some things inside you that will die on your way to the final divorce decree, usually they are things believe are vital to our well being but really are not. Asking the question, "What is it time for me to let go of?" Will help you learn from your journey. Knowing how to manage your resources will be key to your survival. If I were going to write a similar book about surviving divorce I could call it, Surviving Divorce, Who is Empowered by it, Who is Destroyed by it, and Why. Some folks make it to the other side of divorce happier and healthier. Some don’t. And there are some very specific reasons why. At the end of Gonzales' book he summarizes the survival keys that he discovered as he researched his book. They are so appropriate to divorce that I include them below nearly as he wrote them. Following these principles will not only help you survive divorce, it will help you thrive beyond it. This is the last part on this topic. It includes tips 9 through 12.

Surviving Divorce-Part 1

In a recent divorce class two women asked if I had something written about the emotional devastation and preoccupation people experience while going through a divorce so they could give it to friends, family and business associates to help them understand. It's helpful if the people around you know what you're going through so they can be supportive – be part of the solution instead of adding to the problem. 'Just get over it" isn't helpful. Shortly after that question came up I read the book, Deep Survival – Who Lives, Who Dies, and Why, by Lawrence Gonzales. The parallels between divorcing people and those who are gravely injured and either lost at sea or on a mountaintop in a blizzard are amazingly similar. The brain chemistry is the same. The reactions are the same. The approaches to survival are the same. Divorce isn't usually a life or death situation for an individual. Sometimes it is. There are however, a lot of things internal that will die along the road to the final divorce decree. Asking the question, "What is it time for me to let go of? Will help you get the most learning from this journey. Knowing how to manage your resources will be key to your survival.

It’s Up To Parents

Sometimes it's hard to know the right thing to do for children during divorce. It may be even harder to implement if it requires being civil to an Ex you'd rather never see again. A number of studies have been done about the impact of divorce on children. For brevity I’ve chosen five of the studies and their results to mention here. Notice that there is one conclusion in every one of the studies: Parental conflict harms children. Children need a safe container in which to grow. Parents are key components of that container. So is extended family, and as children grow older, community is also part of it. Without parents’ diligent effort to maintain such a container through divorce, it disappears - for a while or forever, with far reaching consequences. Divorce doesn’t eliminate the child’s need for such a container, it compounds it. Remember that your children did not ask for this divorce. It was handed to them. Your children have no say and no control in how things will turn out. Imagine being tossed out of an airplane and the parachute cord is just out of reach. All your stretching, straining, and fretting doesn’t help you reach it. All you have are the assurances of someone telling you things will be ok but you’re not so sure because even they don’t sound so convinced. That is the experience of a child of divorce.

Fear or Love – That is the Question

Simply stated fear is nothing more than a belief in limitation.

Fear or Love

When we’re afraid we are convinced that there isn’t enough.  When we’re convinced there isn’t enough, we get afraid. Fear is the negation of confidence, of trust. The most interesting, and the most useful thing I know about fear is that it is the energetic opposite of love.  Fear and love cannot occupy the same space in the same way that light and darkness cannot occupy the same space.  Walk into a darkened room, flip the light switch, and darkness […]