Reconciling After Your Divorce
If you’re divorced, or separated and consider yourself divorced, but somehow in the loneliness of it all one of you starts thinking of trying it again, “I miss you. We had a good thing. Maybe we should try again.” In short, you’re wondering about reconciling after divorce.
- But does it make sense?
- Will you just create the same misery?
- Or can it be different this time?
Does it Make Sense to Try Again?
Marriages can and do come back from all kinds of adverse situations – even affairs, even financial ruin, even health disasters. The single most important thing that is required is effort. If you’re both committed to putting in the effort, you have a great chance.
The second thing that is required is time. Time to learn what went wrong. Time to learn what went right. Time to express all the intense emotions (realizing that they don’t all show up at once). Time to heal. Time to learn new ways of relating and get used to them living them. Time to build trust again – trust in yourself and trust in this person with whom you’re considering reconciling.
When you think of reconciling you may imagine that you have to go back into the same awful situation you’ve been so relieved to escape from. Don’t go back to that. Please. It isn’t good for either of you. This is your chance to start over, to create an entirely new relationship, to be different and have different.
“I, John, went through Jeannine’s divorce recovery class when Debbie and I were divorcing for
the second time. I was a wreck. I learned so much in that class and in her Discovery class, that I started making big, and overdue, changes in my life. I was proud of myself. I liked who I was becoming.
I, Debbie, wasn’t really happy being divorced but I couldn’t live with John the way things were. We weren’t good together. When I saw John making changes I thought maybe we could try again. That is when we started working with Jeannine. At first we needed to see her often. There was so much to figure out. So much baggage from our past. So many hurts to work through, and new things to learn so we didn’t blow things apart again. We didn’t trust each other very much. Jeannine knows a lot about how relationships work and what goes wrong when they don’t work. She helped us strengthen our weaknesses, avoid some pitfalls, and take charge of our needs in the relationship.
Through this coaching we were able to work through the challenges of moving back in together, redesign our relationships with our kids, clean out old wounds from when we’d significantly hurt each other early in our relationship, and learn how to be for each other. Rebuilding the trust between us has been slow but steady. We’re down to seeing Jeannine just once every couple of months now. We so appreciate those times to check in.” ~ John and Debbie
(You can read about the experiences of couples I’ve worked with here.)
Doing It Different
In some ways divorce has provided an important line of demarcation. The old relationship is gone. If you give reconciling a try, you have the opportunity to create something entirely new based on healthier ways of relating. If the two of you can successfully navigate the necessary personal changes divorce revealed to each of you, you can come back to the relationship as new and different people, in a new and different relationship. You have the opportunity to create a brand new relationship— one that you’ve always wanted—with the partner of your dreams, without having to start over. You preserve your memories and your legacy.
Coaching is forward moving, solution-oriented, pro-active and goal-centric, making it an ideal solution for those who want to take action and create change. This is especially nice way of relationship work for men who can feel lost in the world of feelings. I’ve worked with hundreds of divorcing people. I understand what ends relationships.
Your next step:
The place to start is with a relationship assessment. In 90 minutes and I will identify the relationship dynamics that are problematic between you, identify personality types that may be conflicting, and discuss the childhood wounds that may be triggering you. I will also educate you with the latest relationship research so you can start feeling empowered with your ability to make lasting change. With this knowledge you can then decide if you want to embark on the path of reconciling. This assessment will give you the information you need to make informed choices about reconciling.
Isn’t it worth at least exploring the option of reconciling?
Call me for a free Should We Reconcile? conversation. 303-746-7000
“Jeannine started coaching us at a very critical time in our marriage. We had been spiraling down a negative path for a long time and needed someone else to look at what we were doing and give us tools to change. Jeannine is a real positive coach, having us look at our differences as a good thing, building a whole new marriage on what we have instead of [make believe] dreams, giving us ‘exercises’ to put in practice and experience what we learned. When we felt a week of back sliding, she would say, ‘but I see your baby steps and see you moving forward.’ We especially appreciate Jeannine’s insight and God given discernment of her coaching. We look forward to our weekly meeting with her.” ~Jim and Peggy