Are you in a painful relationship Not sure if you should stay? But does leaving make sense? Two paths, each with its own costs and benefits. How do you decide?
When I was in that position, I so didn’t want to breakup my family but I was utterly miserable in my marriage. Every therapist we went to (which was the only solution back in those days) made things worse. And on top of it, they didn’t even know where to start unless I could full out say, “Yes, I want this marriage.” I didn’t know. I wanted it if it could be different. One thing I knew was that I wanted to have no doubt that I’d done everything I could to save the marriage, save the family. But how to do that without committing again?
I wish this type of exploratory coaching was around when I needed it. I’m glad I can now offer it to you. I understand that you may not know what you want. And you don’t have to. We can just explore with no expected outcome. You can relax.
Exploratory Coaching Does...
- Identifies the needs and wants of each of you
- Points out the damaging behaviors in your relationship and educates you to let them go
- Discovers your purpose as a couple. What’s your story? Is your current story ending? Is it time to invent a new one?
- Listens to the voice of your relationship to discover what wants to happen next
- Focuses on relationship dynamics
- Solution-oriented, pro-active and forward-moving.
- Capitalizes on strengths within your power imbalances and personality differences
- Prompts your self-discovery so you can be your best you whether you stay together or go separate ways
Exploratory Coaching Does Not...
- Promise you will get back together
- Point fingers, focus on blame
- Is not concerned with who did what to whom
- Delve into your childhood histories
- Take a long time.
Learn the 5-step process for communicating your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and how those bring you to certain actions so you can choose how you want things to go.
Learn to use a Meta-view Wheel to explore any topic or issue from a variety of perspectives.
Learn the behaviors that make and break relationships as discovered by John Gottman’s ongoing research, including the 5 behaviors that are so deadly they will destroy a relationship. Also learn the antidote for those behaviors.
Explore who you are and what you want as an individual in the relationship, learn how to use boundaries to protect yourself in a way that creates love and protects freedom.
Explore your individual relationship roles and learn their importance to the relationship. The roles you take on are not you. You don’t have to be overly identified with them and you can re-arrange them to fit the new relationship. Also learn to manage ‘role nausea’ and fill missing roles in your relationship.
Explore the 3 levels from which your relationship operates. Are you a dreamer and your partner concrete? A lot of conflict can be eliminated just by realizing which level you’re each relating from around any given issue.
Discover your purpose as a couple. You are together for a reason. A relationship’s purpose changes and evolves over time. Any transition brings a new direction. What is your relationship about now?
Discover your predominant money habitudes. Do the two of your habitudes compliment each other? Is there a habitude missing that would make your relationship with money more fun and fulfilling, and less stressful?
Discover the power of affirmative action to transform your relationship. Ask for what you need, when you need it. “I need to be acknowledged for…..” Get comfortable with assertiveness.
Constellate a map of your family system as it is now, and as you want it to be. Observe how connected are you with each other and with your kids. Set up structures to get to where you want it to be.
Travel deeply into the inroads of your own heart and share your “land” with your partner. What do you know about your own border patrol? Who gets in? Who doesn’t? Why? Have you visited the most secret place in your land? Have you ever shared it with anyone else? Have you shared it with your partner? What if you did?
What is the best possible outcome you could dream for your relationship? And what is your worst fear about how it could go? Design structures to create the high dream and bypass the low dream.
Has there been an affair or attraction to someone besides your partner? Have you felt stronger, more powerful, funnier, sexier or more loved in another relationship besides with your partner? Explore what it would be like to have all that juicy energy in your relationship, as opposed to outside of it.
Is the Inner Critic a problem for one or both of you? Do your inner tapes make up stuff about you, your partner, or your relationship? What are those voices trying to say and why? Get the positive message and learn tips for managing that Gremlin voice.
You’re ready to give up on your relationship out of boredom, fear, or an inner compulsion to have something better or different
You are still committed to your spouse or family but feel wretched inside
You wonder if your partner has changed, or has the ability to change, so you can be in relationship again
Any time you are considering reconciling with your spouse either while separated, during the divorce, or after the divorce
You would like to explore what it is that you are running towards, instead of just running away from something unknown.
You want to know if there’s a way to be on the same page with intimacy, finances, time priorities, communication and other areas.
You want to find out what hasn’t been working and if you can make the shifts you need to be in a relationship again.
You are wondering in what ways your partner has changed and if you will be able to trust him/her again.
You’d like to get a sense of how your decision to reconcile might impact your larger community that includes your children and/or extended family